Dork Productions » Huh?

Jack’s picks for some of the strangest YouTube videos

Jack — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 04:29:46 +0000

It may seem like I spend every waking moment of my life on the internet. This assumption is actually true.

It may also seem like I enjoy unconventional videos. Videos about weird and crazy things that don’t make sense. This is not really true but sometimes it is.

So, I have decided to share with you some of the stranger videos I have found on YouTube. You may have seen some of them before, but I hope after watching them you will have discovered at least one new reason to weep for humanity.

Number One: How to grill steak without a grill

This is was put up by the user masaokis, and is just one in a long line of videos that offer helpful everyday tips. He does have some witty banter during the course of the video, but your real focus as a viewer should be put on the absolutely disgusting state of his apartment. I watched all eleven minutes of this with my face scrunched in disbelief. About halfway through I started laughing at how ridiculous it was. He literally lives in a dumpster. It is a dumpster with two bedrooms and a kitchen.

His other videos are just as good and I highly recommend them.

Number Two: The biggest advantage of the electric cigarette

Don’t ask me how I discovered this because I honestly do not remember.

This guy knew how to create a work of art. I think it is the culmination of the choice of music, his singing, the shaving cream on his face, and his reaction after inhaling the nicotine that makes this thing WORK. I love it.

Number Three: peanut butter man

I found this one when I was searching for peanut butter-related videos for my article on George Washington Carver.

I don’t know if this is some sex fetish I don’t know about, but something about it is oddly alluring. I assume there was a cameraman otherwise he would have gotten peanut butter all over his camera. And those chomping noises he’s making…AH.

Number Four: Iced Tea: That Magical Elixir

This video was actually deleted a few months ago, but some die hard fans were able to retrieve it from the Internet Recycle Bin and put it back up.

It’s a simple premise. The guy shows you all how to make a good iced tea. But..errr….just watch it.

Number Five: Weird Cartoon gives insight about reality

This video is differs from the others in that it is actually really dark and creepy and weird. Watch it with the lights off or something. I stumbled across this some time ago and it has never left my thoughts. Claymation by itself is creepy…you don’t have to bring demons into it!

Youtube Profiles that deserve some recognition for being strange

When I posted the videos A Fork in the Eye and We Tied Up Nathan a couple years ago, I didn’t realize it would attract people from underground S&M and choking societies. I have gotten numerous emails and video comments discussing how hot the choking in my videos is. Of course I was creeped out, but I also delved into this underground world of strangeness to investigate. Here are some of the stranger YouTube profiles I’ve encountered.

stranglingme

I found this guy through another guy named “PleaseBeQuiet” who friended me on YouTube after watching A Fork in the Eye. Unfortunately, PleaseBeQuiet deleted his profile (which consisted of nothing but movie clips of women getting strangled). Stranglingme, luckily, follows suit, and his videos consist of men wearing leather gloves strangling each other.

conradcigarspipes

This guy is awesome. He has over 6,500 videos of him smoking a pipe.

He rarely says anything, and when he does, it’s just the name of the video. All he does is smoke tobacco pipes! You should peruse the collection if you have time.

AlexanderRodchenko

This is the most puzzling YouTube channel I’ve ever come across. This guy has uploaded more that 24,000 videos, which has to be some sort of record.

The thing is, the videos aren’t really videos. They are just four minutes of solid color with a tone buzzing in the background.

Make sure your speakers aren’t on very loud.

Every single video is like this.

That is Logical Conclusion #26504. Personally I like Logical Conclusion #13007 better.

I figured it has to be a robot doing all of this nonsense. No person could do this. I hope.

Happy Valentine’s Day all you people

Jack — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 20:56:16 +0000

It is February 14th, the day of love and candies and whatnots and so forth.

In celebration I decided to make some Valentine’s Day cards! Feel free to send them to your loved ones.

All right, that’s all for now! Catch you guys later.

Shoe Statues (especially in Iraq)

Jack — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 05:11:43 +0000

A lot of people thought it was awesome when Former President Bush reacted like a cat and dodged a shoe. A lot more people thought that the guy who threw the shoe was even more awesome.

I don’t know if you have seen this already, but the guy that threw the shoe is being honored in Saddam’s hometown of Tikrit. A Baghdad-based artist made a huge shoe statue out of copper and fiberglass as a tribute to the pride of the Iraqi people.

The shoe statue was taken down shortly, however, because in Iraq you aren’t supposed to display government property that has political bias.

The shoe statue intrigued me and I decided to search for more giant shoes.

I’m not quite sure what is going on in that picture.

This shoe-house playground thing is in India.

That’s kind of cool I guess.

This shoe is an actual full-sized house! It’s located in Hellam, Pennsylvania off of the Lincoln Highway if you ever want to visit.

This was really a strange update. Rather pointless.

Stay tuned for other stuff!

Smile for the Camera, Obama

Jack — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 08:51:35 +0000

I don’t know if you’ve had a chance to look at Barack Obama’s Flikr page, but it’s got over three thousand photos on it. Honestly, I’m not sure if it’s even Obama running his Flickr page…when does he have the time to upload all of these pictures? At night? Doesn’t this man sleep? Where does he get all the film for his camera?

It’s a good collection of pictures…but there was one specific photograph I found particularly interesting.

The caption reads: Democratic Presidential Nominee, Senator Barack Obama participates in the first presidential debate with Senator McCain at the University of Mississippi in Oxford, MS on Friday, September 26, 2008. And people are drooling all over it.

You want to know what I see in this picture? An anti-social nerdy body not unlike the basement dwellers that spend all day playing World of Warcraft.

Allow me to dissect everything wrong in this picture.

First of all, what the heck kind of mirror is this? It’s reflecting an image of himself BEHIND HIM! Is this some crazy new age mirror that only democrats know about? What If I looked into a mirror and saw my reflection on the wall behind me? Then it would be like my real self was the reflection and the reflection was me. That doesn’t even make sense.

Second of all, if Barack Obama is actually preparing for a debate in front of the entire nation, why is he studying BLANK PAGES? Usually when I study, I look at my notes or make flash cards, and I most definitely do not spend my time reading non-existant words on unused sheets of paper. Perhaps Obama writes in invisible ink, and only he possesses the X-Ray contacts needed to read it.

Excuse me Mr. Obama, is that a purse? Is that where you keep all your make-up and coin wallets?

Look at this empty chair. Don’t you have any friends to come sit down next to you, Mr. Obama? Is this why you look so sad in the picture? Because you’re lonely? You could have tried to find a random stranger to come fill the seat…maybe you did try that and everyone said no.

This sink is too clean. Do we really want someone with OCD to be the president?

Is that an…ironing board, Sen. Obama? Can’t you hire someone to do your own laundry? I mean, didn’t you raise like 30 million dollars last month or something? That could probably get you a butler. Or you could have picked a woman as your running mate.

Are those Huggies Pull-Ups by your chair? Those meant for toddlers with bladder control problems. I would expect something like this to be in McCain’s dressing room, but not yours, Mr. Obama. It took me a while to get things under control as well.

So this is how Sen. Obama prepares for a debate: he gets high as a kite. Do we really want to elect a president so lazy that he doesn’t even bother hiding his bong from the press?

This one just pisses me off. A dead hooker. Are you serious, Sen. Obama? This not only a felony of some in some states, but it also makes you look bad to the public eye. I would suggest in the future not to have any dealings with prostitutes, or to get a bigger trash bag so the legs don’t stick out. If she is not dead, then I suggest giving Eyes Wide Shut Tom Cruise a call…that guy works miracles.

In conclusion, I’m not sure why everyone is in awe of this photo of Barack Obama. It does nothing but hurt his image. I haven’t been this embarrassed since the time John McCain put his campaign on hold to fly to Washington and help rally a bailout plan that ended up crashing and burning into the ground.

- jack

Creepy Wikipedia Articles

Jack — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 21:31:44 +0000

We’re are all guilty of getting sucked into the world of Wikipedia. You tell yourself you’ll only be on it for fifteen minutes, but then you end up spending three hours browsing articles about things no one has ever heard of.

Someone who got sucked into the Wikipedia world compiled a list of the creepiest articles ever. It has been floating around the internet fora while and I decided to spread it a little more and post it on this website.

There are enough creepy articles here to keep you busy for a couple of hours.

My personal favorite is the Arecibo Reply: The Arecibo reply was the name given to a crop circle that appeared in farmland next to the Chilbolton radio telescope; home to the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute (SETI) in Hampshire, UK, on tuesday 21 August 2001. The design is so named because it appears to be a response to the Arecibo message, which SETI transmitted into space in 1974.

The List:

I hope you enjoy all that! It’s all definately worth reading.

- jack

Jack’s Wild World of Weird Animals

Jack — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:46:34 +0000

Here are some animals you might never have known about if not for me.

Jack’s Wild World of Weird Animals

Oy, mateys! Welcome to the Wild World Of Weird Animals! You are about to see the wildest and
weirdest animals in the world!

Narwal

The Narwal’s tooth has more power than Gandalf’s staff.

Awright mateys, first up we got the NARWHAL! Now, I had been brought upthinking that narwhals
were known by all. After all, they are so unique and interesting that I figured most people would have seen a
picture of one before. But aye! I mentioned a narwhal once in a conversation with my friends and they had no bloody idea what it was! So here it is.

The Narwhal roams freely in the waters of the arctic by the North Pole. In fact, if any of you blokes saw the
talkie “Elf” with Will Ferrel, you may remember a narwhal popping out of the water toward the very
beginning and telling Buddy that he hopes he finds his dad.

As you can see here, the Narwhal is your basic whale, with only one tiny little difference: It had a giant tooth growing out of its head. The large tooth is found mostly in male narwhals, and it used to attract the females (the larger the tooth, the more mating for the male narwhals. Of course, I am a firm believer that size does not matter). Oy, once time I wrestled a narwhal, and I beat it to a bloody pulp!

The seal of Nunavut, a territory in Canada. Look at how happy the moose and narwhal are.

Geoduck

There is something slightly homoerotic in this picture.

Oy, what is there to say about the geoduck that hasn’t been said before? It basically just a freakish animal that God denies making because he’s embarrassed.

As you can see, the geoduck looks like a rather large banana that got slammed into a rock. That’s basically what it is, except instead of a banana it’s a long protein siphon and instead of a rock it’s a clam shell.

Geoducks live underwater and can burrow into the ground to look for food. They have a life expectancy of around 150 years. Oy matey, that’s bloody old! Their long age can be contributed to the fact that they have no real natural predators.

The Geoduck is the mascot of Evergreen State College.

Geoducks mean BIG business in the Asia area. Geoducks are a highly regarded cuisine on the other side of the world. They have a sweet crunchy texture to them and are considered a rare tasty treat.

Also, the geoduck is the mascot of the Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington. There motto up there is “Let it all hang out.” probably in reference to the somewhat…phallic…shape of the animal. lololol

Oy! One time I was swimming down under by Tasmania and caught myself in a heard of these beasts! Ah crikey, you don’t want to know what these animals did to me!

Blobfish

Crikey! What an ugly little fiend! Wow. Just look at it for a while. Look at the drool coming out of it’s mouth. Look at the five o’clock shadow on its chin. Man.

The blobfish is arguably the ugliest and most depressed animal on planet Earth (not including Emos). It pretty much hates all people and life in general. Because it knows it is so ugly, the blobfish retreated to the bottom of the ocean and there it remains to this very day.

It eats anything edible that happens to float past it.

Pangolin

The pangolin is being crazy.

Pangolin, oy matey! These animals are happy for know real reason. I mean look at that pangolin in the picture. All he’s doing is hanging on to a tree and he has a huge smile on his face like it’s the best moment in his life.

So basically, pangolins are mix between an armadillo and an anteater. The scales on its back are made out of keratin, the same substance human fingernails are made out of. The scales are also razor sharp, and when threatened the pangolin will curl up creating a RAZOR BALL! A razor ball is the perfect weapon.

A pangolin can also spray people or animals the same way a skunk can. Look out!

Mark Wahlberg

“I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.”

Mark Wahlberg is a wild beast that cannot be tamed.

The end.

- jack

Master of Illusion Beate Gutschow

Jack — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:18:16 +0000

Tired of those lame Picasso and Monet paintings? I mean, what’s the big deal anyway? It’s just a bunch of dots and weird curvy lines that don’t really look like people.

While walking around the new buildings at the Kansas City Nelson-Atkin’s Museum of Art, I stumbled upon a large photograph of trees and plants out in the middle of nowhere. It really wasn’t too impressive until I read the information panel and realized it was all a big photoshop.

So of course I did some internet research and this is what I found:

“Beate Gutschow explores the opposing juxtapositions of pastoral idealism and urban decay in her new volume of images…which upon first glance could be mistaken as real, [but] are in fact meticulously staged montages that have been digitally mastered by the German artist. ”

“Each work is a composition created from the layering of between 30 to 100 pieces, taken from her extensive catalogue and arranged into a panorama.”

It’s some pretty interesting stuff, especially when you look close and see how some of the proportions don’t make sense and some strange shadows that shouldn’t exist. Definitely go check out some more of her stuff.

- jack

My understanding of reality is destroyed.

Jack — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 23:46:42 +0000

I was always one of those parallel universe theory haters. I’m enough of an asshole already…to think that there could be more of me and double or triple the amount of assholeness is more mind blowing to me than string theory. Science is for losers.

Of course, then something happened today that shattered my mind and made me reexamine my life. Not only am I convinced now that there are parallel universes, but I believe that alternate realities are ongoing and exist on this very planet.

Wanting to satisfy my ego, I typed “dorkprofilms.com” into Google search, and I practiced my look of awe while the page was busy loading. Should I open my mouth and drool? Or perhaps blink rapidly as if trying to see a clearer picture?

I settled on a simple rub of the eyes and a moan of “oooh so many results!” But then something happened. The search page didn’t just load, it slapped me in the face. And the look of shock on my face was actually genuine and not rehearsed.

What is this? DARKprofilms.com? What the hell is this? I know that there is matter and dark matter, but this is just ridiculous! Polar opposites of websites? Is there a dark Yahoo? A dark Youtube? Earth is turning into bizarro world one website at a time.

My cursor hovered over the link for five minutes as I figured out the best course of action. I prayed that I wouldn’t get sucked into a wormhole or turn into Quantum Leap or something, and I clicked the link. What it took me to was a website with an even worse design than this one. It’s a website run by UNC graduates who make movies. It’s all backwards, I tells ya’!

On the front page of this “darkprofilms” is a quote: Through the medium of film we seek to make our contribution to mankind. You want to contribute to mankind? How about you TRY NOT COPYING MY WEBSITE NAME! Not only that, but their logo is FIRE. That seems oddly similar to the Dork Productions bomb BLAST, doesn’t it? Hmm.

I hid under my desk for a couple hours, thinking everything was about to turn into its dark polar opposite. I was expecting the walls to turn into windows and the windows to turn into chairs. Only when my roommate started shooting me with air soft pellets did I come out from hiding.

I hope this darkprofilms isn’t an accidental byproduct of the Large Hardron Collider. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was.

Is this what people will look like in the future?

To make sure this never happens again, I went ahead and registered the domain names “dorkprofalms” and “dirkprefilms.”

That ought to show them.

- jack

A Cigar is Just a Cigar…or is it?

Jack — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 23:13:08 +0000

We’ve all seen those cheesy pamphlets the school counselors hand out at every given opportunity: ”How to say no to peer pressure” or “How to stop your bulimia” or “What to do if your dog gets rabies.” I usually pass these things off as a lame joke. I don’t need a folded piece of paper telling me what to do, no matter how many poorly drawn cartoons it contains.

However, the other day at the union there was a table set up with HUNDREDS of pamphlets, and the people working at this table yelled at me to come over and take some. ”Everyone else is taking free pamphlets!” the guy shouted at me, “so should you!” I giggled at the idea of these social workers using peer pressure to win me over and I quickly made my way over to see if there were any pamphlets funny enough to warrant an article on my website.

I was actually pretty disappointed, because a lot of the information was about rape, AIDS, or rape and AIDS combined. Those subjects don’t make for humorous blog entries. Luckily, after ten long seconds of searching I finally spotted a pamphlet that made my trip to the table worthwhile.

Exploding the myth: The Truth About Cigars. The cover is what sold me because it paints a very accurate picture of what a person looks like when they smoke a cigar. From what I saw, there were no pamphlets attacking cigarettes. Only cigars.

I’m going to hunt and peck out my favorite lines.

“TV, movies and magazines push cigars as one of life’s ‘finer pleasures.” What the heck is this? You don’t see hot celebrities on television ever smoking cigars, or anything for that matter. The only people you see smoking cigars on TV or in the movies are badass generals with eye patches who are fighting in a war and hungry for blood. Is this article suggesting that war is one of life’s finer pleasures?

“As you smoke, your heart rate and blood pressure increase.” This isn’t really a con. This happens if when you go running too. It’s a side effect from the nicotine which is a reason why people smoke cigars in the first place.

“Notice all the glamorous women in cigar ads?” I don’t remember seeing an ad for cigars ever in my entire life, let alone the glamorous women supposedly in these ads.

“Do you like what you see? Is this how you want others to see you?” Cigars are manly and make you look cool. This is a scientific fact proven in many different science laboratories. Sixty percent of the time, you look awesome all the time.

“Secondhand smoke can give you and the ones you love coughs, cold, sore throats, even cancer.” Probably 90% of the time you see someone smoking a cigar it’s an old guy sitting in a rocking chair on his porch by himself. Let the old man do what he wants, he’s not hurting anyone.

It just occurred to me that the cigar smokers featured in this pamphlet are all African-American. WHAT WERE THE MAKERS TRYING TO GET AT?

- jack

Let’s Not Forget About Ron Paul

Jack — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:57:45 +0000

Yeah, yeah, yeah…Obama is the next President of the UNited States, and McCain isn’t. Democrats are rejoicing, and Republicans are moving to Canada. Big surprise there. But while Barack Obama spoke to the crowd from behind bullet proof glass, and while Palin cried during McCain’s concession speech, did you ever stop to think what Ron Paul was doing on Election Night?

He was right here, at his election headquarters:

He received 19,000 votes. The Revolution is over.

His tie is pretty neat.

- jack