Every college has got one of these places, I’m sure.  It’s the overpriced, dank little store in the student union that carries over processed foods and Powerade.  I stumbled down the Underground’s aisles looking at all the bright wrappings and bags, trying to find the perfect meal to satisfy my hunger.  It was a long and perilous journey, and I picked up and touched dozens of items of food before I finally found one to my liking.

The New York Deli Style Philly Cheesesteak sandwich.  I found this sandwich in the freezer next to the hot pockets and mini pan pizzas.  It looked like it could be tasty, so I picked it up and brought it to the cashier.  The entire time I was wondering how bad it would be on my arteries.

HOT SANDWICH.  Meaning it’s no good cold.  Meaning you’ve got to eat it RIGHT AWAY.  And that is what I hastily prepared myself to do.

It turns out that it is really, really simple to prepare this cheesesteak.  You unwrap it slightly, then put it in the microwave for four minutes, and that’s all.  Two years of college has taught me that any food which can be prepared this easily is usually very unhealthy for you.   Surprisingly, the sandwich is only 420 calories (but I think it had 75 grams of fat or something like that….but no one really knows how much a gram of fat is anyway).  To summarize, it wasn’t the unhealthiest thing I have ever eaten.

My stomach growling, I unwrapped the sandwich.

This thing was frozen solid.  It was like a cold brick.  I could have thrown it through a car’s windshield or bludgeoned somebody to death with it.  It was like a snowman’s turd, it was.  I tried to lift the top piece of bread so I could inspect the cheese, but it wouldn’t budge.  I’m pretty sure the sandwich had been constructed at some factory in Pennsylvania about seven months ago.  Would this deep freezing affect the taste?

Also I read the directions wrong.  I unwrapped the sandwich all the way, and I wasn’t supposed to.  I was only supposed to tear a little slit out of the wrapping.  I did my best to tie the whole thing back up and I slipped it into the microwave.

Microwave for four minutes!  Sure I can do that!

This microwave had a rotating plate in it so I didn’t have to turn the food myself.  Unfortunately, the wrapping of the sandwich unfolded while cooking and wedged against the top and bottom so it stopped turning after a minute.  This made the sandwich cook very unevenly.

After four minutes it was still cold, so I put it back in for an additional three minutes.

After three more minutes, the sandwich was STILL frozen so I put it in for two more minutes.

After two more minutes of microwaving, there was STILL ice in the middle, so I threw it back in and punched in a very admirable time of four minutes.

After that ended, I decided to just eat the thing and not worry if it was cooked all the way through.  It had already microwaved for a solid thirteen minutes and I wasn’t going to wait any longer.  Maybe my microwave just stinks.

I’ll be honest.  I didn’t think the Philly Cheesesteak looked very good.  I didn’t think it would be worth all the hassle.  I lifted the top piece of bread to finally get a good look at the cheese.

That cheese looks pretty good I mean OH MY GOD IS IT STILL FROZEN?!?  In this picture you can clearly see little ice crystals covering the meat.  My microwave never had a problem microwaving stuff before, so I put the entire blame on the sandwich.  I cursed the sandwich rather loudly out of frustration.  I wanted to rip it apart with my teeth (eat it basically).  I also found it ironic that this Philly Cheesesteak, advertised as a HOT SANDWICH, was actually impossible to heat up.

Here is what the other side looked like.  It was rather unevenful.  Just frozen meat and bread.  And some little black specks of unknown origin, but hey, whatever.

I lifted it to my face.  The cheesesteak looks pretty good in this picture actually.  Almost like a real sandwich.

I took a very large first bite, and I burned my tongue.  The ends of the sandwich were really, really hot because of the long microwave time.  I had to spit out the bite into my hand and keep it there until it cooled, and then I put it back in my mouth and ate it.  And you know what?  It was actually pretty good!

The cheese and steak mashed together perfectly, and it made all of my un-burned taste buds tingle with delight. It tasted pretty authentic (not that I’ve ever had a real Philly cheesesteak from Philly).

The sandwich got cooler temperature wise as I ate down to the middle.  I got one rather nasty bite that tasted like a meat snow cone, so I switched and started eating the other end.  It was very tasty and satified my hunger in a most formidable way.

Here is the part of the sandwich I couldn’t eat due to ice.  I thought about microwaving these remnants and eating them, but for some reason I never ended up doing it.

The whole room stunk of cheesesteak for three days.  It was a good thing at first, but by the afternoon of the second day it turned into a bad thing.  I had to use a lot of Febreeze to get rid of the smell.

Jack’s Take

The New York Deli Style Philly CheeseSteak was a very delicious late night snack.  Although it was a little greasy, and a little frozen, I very much enjoyed it and will eat it again some day.  I recommend you try it out.

Grade: B

This is My Little Sandbox: Space Patrol, a play toy for children aged 3-10.  Since I have the mentality of a nine-year-old, this was the perfect gift for me.  This sandbox from BE Good Company was rated the number one toy of 2007 by Creative Child Online, if that means anything to you.

Let’s see if it lives up to the hype.

The cover of the box is pretty awesome.    It paints a very good picture of what is inside the box.  They don’t try to screw you over, is what I’m saying.

I always carefully inspect the box before opening.  I need to observe every little detail so that I know what I’m getting into.

The back of the box.  It looks like this thing comes with a lot of sweet little toys to play with.  The starry background is also pretty cool.  It does, however, look like it contains many choking hazards.  I’ll have to be extra careful when playing with this one.

The box promises some pretty cool stuff.  “Moon rocks?”  Hell yeah.   I remember seeing moon rocks for sale when I visited the Kennedy Space Center back in elementary school.  The rocks there cost one hundred dollars or something.  I hope the moon rocks in this sandbox are high-caliber and not watered down.

I think what I’m most excited for is the “space bucket.”  I hope that it’s some high-tech robotic bucket, that fills itself with dirt on command.  I have a feeling I might be disappointed.

As for a “grooming rake,” I’m not sure what that is.

Here we go!

Wow this is a jumbled mess.  It looks like the bag of sand broke open already.  That’s fine though.  It saves me the hassle of opening it myself.

The big plastic sheet thing was on top, so I guess I’ll set that up first.  The box says it is a 20″ by 20″ no-mess play mat.  I assume you are supposed to spread it underneath the sandbox to prevent spilled sand from getting in the carpet.

The play mat looks pretty sweet actually.  It definitely reminds me of a 1950s movie poster for sci-fi flicks like Forbidden Planet or The Day The Earth Stood Still.  I’m not sure if little kids will appreciate it, but I sure do.  I’m glad they went with an older look, and not some stupid new age “cool” moon surface.

Let’s see what else we got here.

The astronauts look fantastic.  Biff and Gordon Jr. both seem to be fully stocked with all the state-of-the-art astro gear.  Biff’s carrying some sort of boxy communication device (probably for moon experiments) and Gordon Jr. is carrying a laser gun and rope.  These astronauts kick ass.

My Little Sandbox also gets points for calling them “astronauts” and not “spacemen.”  I hate the phrase spacemen because it reminds me of the movie “Space Chimps,” and I hated that movie.

Biff and Gordon Jr. need some wheels, so let’s check out the moon rover.

Here is the moon rover.  It definately doesn’t look like a moon rover.  The only space-age thing about it is the satellite dish on the front.  My grandpa’s barn also has a satellite dish on the front.  Lame.

The chairs and floor of the moon rover look like they are made of wood.  I guess NASA had a little bit of a budget problem and cut some corners while building this thing.

How am I supposed to be sure the satellite dish even works?  This moon rover sucks.  Also, it’s too small for the astronauts to fit into.  That means that you can’t put the astronauts inside it and drive them around.  What’s the point in playing with the moon rover if there aren’t any passengers?  My Little Sandbox really screwed up here.

The box mentioned asteroids…

These are two asteroids, and they are both pretty cool.  They are a lot lighter than I thought they would be.  I expected them to weigh as much as an actual rock.  Instead they are about as light as ping pong balls.  Some people would say this is a negative.  I view this with indifference.

My only real gripe with the asteroids is that they do not break apart easily.  This makes it tough to stage realistic asteroid impacts (asteroids would not stay in one piece after hitting the ground!).  Maybe next year’s version will include destructible asteroids (I can only hope).  It would be cool to throw an asteroid at the sandbox and see it break apart on impact.

Asteroids create craters, so a crater is included in the box.

I’m very glad this was included because a crater is very hard to make on your own.

The crater is made from actual plastic, and not rock.  This is definitely a positive.  The paint job looks pretty good too, and when it’s actually in the sand the crater looks great.

The crater sort of reminds me of the old board game, It From the Pit.

That’s a picture of It From the Pit.  That game was hella tight.  The object of the game was to make it all the way around the pit, without the monster grabbing you.  It made for some great evenings.  The motor inside the pit was really loud and it broke easily.  Overall it was good times all around.

Anyway, back to the My Little Sandbox: Space Patrol.  It also comes with an American Flag, a shovel, and the famous “grooming rake” and “space bucket.”

There they are, all packaged together.  The flag looks pretty great.  So does the shovel.

I am, however, a little disappointed with the space bucket and grooming rake.  The grooming rake is basically just a pitchfork.  They don’t use pitchforks on the moon.

The space bucket also has nothing spacey about it.  It’s just a blue bucket.  That’s stupid.

The box states that the sand is ultra fine.  And indeed, it is.  The sand was so smooth that it easily got caught under my fingernails.  With each word I type, more sand falls out from under my nails and into the keyboard.  This is a negative for sure.

Also the sand stained my fingers black.  I’m not sure why that is.  I think maybe the black dye on the sand is what caused it.  That would be the most likely cause.  Or I suppose it could be from something else I touched.

The last thing included is the moon rocks, which were in a plastic bag but I opened it because I got too excited.  The moon rocks are by far the best thing in the sandbox kit.  They look like they might be real moon rocks.  I estimate that there were about 25 moon rocks included, which is a lot.  I say “were” because I lost some of them shortly after opening the plastic bag.

Let’s set up a muthafludgin space patrol.

First I smoothed out all the sand with my shovel.  It took a long time and I wish I hadn’t spent so long doing it.  However, I did have a very nice looking lunar surface.

The space shovel worked pretty well.  It worked almost as well as an Earth shovel.

Next, I scattered a few moon rocks and put down the crater.  The crater looks pretty cool when it’s surrounded by black sand.  If you want to save this picture, right click on it with your mouse and select “Save Image As.”

My favorite part was placing the astronauts.  I figured that Biff wanted to stand next to the crater because he was collecting crater samples for his experiment.

The astronaut figures reminded me of Army Men, which gave me the idea of creating Space Army Men and Space Aliens that they would fight against.  That would be pretty cool, and I would prefer it to the Army Men, and the Cowboys and Indians.  Perhaps I should email a toy company…

Here’s what my setup is so far.  You can see that Biff and Gordan Jr. tried to jump the crater in the moon rover, but it got stuck, so they ditched it.

I think that this is turning into a pretty great toy.  Already there are tons of scenarios to play through.  Let’s throw in that shovel, pitchfork, flag, and the stupid bucket.

I gave the shovel to Biff just because he seemed to be the shoveling type.  The shovel is obviously out of proportion.  It’s a good thing there is no gravity on the moon, because otherwise I bet that thing would be too heavy to use efficiently.

I decided to give the bucket one more go, but I still didn’t like it.  I ended up just setting it down in some sand.

Biff got the grooming rake because he’s raking in the moon rocks.  This tool is also way out of proportion.  Biff’s hands are full so I’m not sure how he’s capable of using it.  Some sort of space age technology I suppose.

Here is the beautiful American Flag, waving in the wind.  I know there actually isn’t any wind on the moon, but a guy can pretend right?  This is my favorite picture by the way.

This is what my set up ended up looking like.  I think it’s pretty cool.  The sandbox sure does look great on that no-mess play mat.  That bucket looks really big from all the way back here.  I guess space buckets are just bigger than what I’m used to.

The ingenuity of the My Little Sandbox is that when you are done playing with it, all you have to do is fold up the play mat, put it inside the box, and close the lid.  And that’s it.  It’s very portable,  which is important these days, and I love it.  If I’ve got to go to class, and can just load it up into my backpack and head out.   The box is pretty durable because it is lined with wood.

Other than the sand that stained my fingers black, I’d say this sandbox is pretty clean.

Jack’s Take

The My Little Sandbox: Space Patrol is a solid toy.  If I was aged 3-10, I could see myself playing with it for weeks, months, or even a year.  But no longer.  The astronauts are awesome and fun to play with.  However, some of the pieces are very disproportionate and bring down the sense of realism.  A lack of an alien action figure also hurts.  The ultra fine sand is neat and refreshing to the touch.

A-

A pretty damn good toy.  Congrats to BE Good Company for a great plaything.

]]> http://dorkprofilms.com/blog1/my-little-sandbox-space-patrol-review/feed/ 4 http://dorkprofilms.com/blog1/night-of-the-demons-a-review/ http://dorkprofilms.com/blog1/night-of-the-demons-a-review/#comments Mon, 05 Jan 2009 06:52:39 +0000 Jack http://dorkprofilms.com/blog1/?p=81

Halloween is almost upon us!  The leaves are turning brown, K-Mart is displaying their cheaply made but very expensive slutty nurse costumes, and the pumpkins are creeping their way out onto the porches.  Yes, that feeling is in the air.  You can smell it.  And this smell has put me in the mood to watch some cheesy B Movies from the 1980s.

I looked online and read descriptions of maybe a hundred different movies before finally deciding on Night of the Demons.  With a mix of blood, boobs, and 80s dance breaks, it looked to be a great film.

Director Kevin Tenney directed this baby back in 1988, and it’s just one of the many great films on his resume.  His other flicks include Witchboard, Pinnocchio’s Revenge, and Brain Dead (not to be confused with Peter Jackson’s Brain Dead).  Witchboard is actually in my queue to watch so it will be interesting to compare these movies and note his progression as a director.

Night of the Demons actually starts off with a pretty impressive animated title sequence, considering the year it was produced and its budget.  But unfortunately, after this five minute colorful sequence of names, the film goes downhill — fast.

The movie kicks into gear by introducing us to Old Man…Jones?  He’s the local grumpy geezer who sits on his porch and yells at kids for driving too fast.  We catch him walking back from the grocery store with some treats for the trick-or-treaters: candy, apples, and razor blades.  Razor blades, Old Man Jones?  Come on these kids aren’t old enough to shave.  But on a serious note, everyone in town is a huge asshole to this old guy for some reason so he decides to get his revenge by sabotaging apples and killing innocent children.  Personally I think he should have injected strychnine into the apples instead, but whatever.

“Whassa matta, you didn’t hear what I said, bozo?” Just when I thought the colorful jargon of the ’60s was about to die, here comes along a too-cool-for-school greaser to restore my faith back into humanity.  This guy, whose name I can’t remember (let’s just call him Johnny, pictured top), is a man who plays by nobody’s rules, not even his own.  He totally digs the hot blonde chick, the protagonist of the movie, whose name I can’t remember either (we’ll call her Michelle).  He’s a troublemaker for sure, and bribes Michelle’s brother into telling him wher ethe hopping Halloween Party is going to be held.

Of course, the Halloween party is being held at Hull House, an abandoned haunted house sitting far away from town on a giant hill with lightning.

Other characters include the token black guy, Roger, the token dumb ass, Stooge, and the token slut, Slutgirl (all pictured on the bottom).  Her name isn’t actually Slutgirl.

And below in the gloriously posted Youtube video is Michelle, the bodacious babe, the hottie heroine.   The clip below features some fine acting from her and her brother.

The dialogue does not improve.  At all.  If you look at this chart I made, you will see the actors’ lines pretty much remain consistently bad for the entire movie.

Eventually all these colorful characters get together and make their way to the Hull House.  Apparently the house used to be an old funeral home, and old coffins are scattered all throughout the rooms.  The teenagers break in and explore for a little bit, and the creaking of their footsteps disturbs the demons sleeping in the basement.  Ruh-oh!  The bad thing about this part of the movie is that as they wander around it literally takes twenty-minutes for something to happen.  A very huge pacing issue.  I was bored out of my skull.

Oh well.  Now it’s time to PARTY.

And what a great freaking party it is!  The budget for the movie didn’t allow any room for use of copyrighted songs, but it did allow for the director’s roommate’s friend’s band to pop in a few singles.  The whole gang jumps around to some song that sounds like a cheap Disney knock-off of a Kids Bop album for adults.  You understand me?  The dance scene was totally ’80s, and lasted for ten minutes.  So great.

I will also make note here that the actual score to Night of the Demons consists of only synthesizers and keyboards.  For those who don’t know, the presence of synthesizers and keyboards usually means the movie will rock shit.  The cheaper the soundtrack, the better the movie.

So now we’re forty minutes into the movie, and no one has died.  And none of the girls have gotten naked.  The producers should have done a little more research on their target audience.

The conflict finally begins to come around when the weird Gothic chick in the group finds a mirror and decides it’s a good idea to use it to summon demons.  BAD IDEA.  They are in a house FILLED with demons.  This will not turn out good.  Hopefully the demon summoning will cause one of the girl’s clothes to disappear.

The teenagers do their demon chant, and the invisible king demon flies around the room and posessed the body of Slutgirl.  Slutgirl, being the slut that she is, decides the best way to spread the demon’s presence from person to person is through kissing.  The viewer:  Hell yeah!  Finally some action.  At forty-three minutes and fifteen seconds, we get some girl-on-girl make out action.  Maybe this movie isn’t so bad after all?

Right around the forty-five minute mark is when I sort of get fuzzy about the plot elements.  All I remember is the Gothic chick tries to seduce Johnny with a ten minute erotic ’80s dance, and the Slutgirl tricks stooge into having sex with her.  The Slutgirl-Stooge sex scene is a key scene in the movie because the boobs are finally revealed.  Also the mis-en-scene is astounding.

At fifty-five minutes, the first blood is shed.  I think I can go ahead and call that the world record for a B Horror Movie.  Why would director Kevin Tenney wait that long to kill off one of his stupid characters?  I had blueballs, that’s for sure.  When I watch a B Movie, I expect a death in the first five minutes.

When the killing does start however, Night of the Demons gets good.  It gets almost too good.

Yes, those two people got their shit destroyed by a demon WHILE having sex in a coffin.  The bad taste is delicious.  This sex scene upped the boob tally to four, AND the guy got his arm chopped off.  Now that’s what I call rough sex, hur hur hur.  I do not condone sex in a casket.

Eventually Michelle, our brave little blonde, and Roger the black guy are the only people left who aren’t demons.  It is a fight to stay alive, and in their panic they try to escape by running to the basement.  It’s obviously the most logical place to go to when trying to run away from something that is trying to kill you.

Backed into a corner, Michelle and Roger get a little creative with their self-defense.

The flamethrower is a weapon of total destruction.  However, because demons are born and bread in Hell, the land of fire, hot flames don’t really effect them.   It does by Michelle and Roger some time though, and they are able to run past the demons and back up to the first floor of the house.  It is here they make their final daring escape.  It is the best climactic sequence ever featured in a motion picture.

Perhaps breaking a window should have been the first course of action to take.  It seems more logical than a makeshift flamethrower.  Meh, it’s easy to criticize them, but I’m sure if I had been in their position I would have freaked out and lost my common sense as well.

After escaping through the window, they scale a brick wall (the most inadvertently hilarious scene in the movie), and escape to safety.  With all of their friends dead, will Roger and Michelle be able to return to normal city life?  Who knows.

And just when you thin the movie is over, we cut back to Old Man Jones, the day after Halloween.  His loving wife has made him a nice warm apple pie for breakfast…only she accidentally used the apples with RAZORS IN THEM.  His throat is slit open from the inside and it is a thoroughly awesome sequence all around.

Jack’s Take:

Night of the Demons had several pacing problems throughout the movie.  It was terribly boring and at times I wished I was doing something else with my time.  There were no boobs until 52 minutes, and there was no blood until 55 minutes.  However, the dialogue was great and always entertaining.

C+