Here are some animals you might never have known about if not for me.

Jack’s Wild World of Weird Animals

Oy, mateys!  Welcome to the Wild World Of Weird Animals!  You are about to see the wildest and
weirdest animals in the world!

Narwal

The Narwal’s tooth has more power than Gandalf’s staff.

Awright mateys, first up we got the NARWHAL!  Now, I had been brought upthinking that narwhals
were known by all.  After all, they are so unique and interesting that I figured most people would have seen a
picture of one before.  But aye!  I mentioned a narwhal once in a conversation with my friends and they had no bloody idea what it was!  So here it is.

The Narwhal roams freely in the waters of the arctic by the North Pole.  In fact, if any of you blokes saw the
talkie “Elf” with Will Ferrel, you may remember a narwhal popping out of the water toward the very
beginning and telling Buddy that he hopes he finds his dad.

As you can see here, the Narwhal is your basic whale, with only one tiny little difference:  It had a giant tooth growing out of its head.  The large tooth is found mostly in male narwhals, and it used to attract the females (the larger the tooth, the more mating for the male narwhals.  Of course, I am a firm believer that size does not matter).  Oy, once time I wrestled a narwhal, and I beat it to a bloody pulp!

The seal of Nunavut, a territory in Canada.  Look at how happy the moose and narwhal are.

Geoduck

There is something slightly homoerotic in this picture.

Oy, what is there to say about the geoduck that hasn’t been said before?  It basically just a freakish animal that God denies making because he’s embarrassed.

As you can see, the geoduck looks like a rather large banana that got slammed into a rock.  That’s basically what it is, except instead of a banana it’s a long protein siphon and instead of a rock it’s a clam shell.

Geoducks live underwater and can burrow into the ground to look for food.  They have a life expectancy of around 150 years.  Oy matey, that’s bloody old!  Their long age can be contributed to the fact that they have no real natural predators.

The Geoduck is the mascot of Evergreen State College.

Geoducks mean BIG business in the Asia area.  Geoducks are a highly regarded cuisine on the other side of the world.  They have a sweet crunchy texture to them and are considered a rare tasty treat.

Also, the geoduck is the mascot of the Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington.  There motto up there is “Let it all hang out.” probably in reference to the somewhat…phallic…shape of the animal.  lololol

Oy!  One time I was swimming down under by Tasmania and caught myself in a heard of these beasts!  Ah crikey, you don’t want to know what these animals did to me!

Blobfish

Crikey!  What an ugly little fiend!  Wow.  Just look at it for a while.  Look at the drool coming out of it’s mouth.  Look at the five o’clock shadow on its chin.  Man.

The blobfish is arguably the ugliest and most depressed animal on planet Earth (not including Emos).  It pretty much hates all people and life in general.  Because it knows it is so ugly, the blobfish retreated to the bottom of the ocean and there it remains to this very day.

It eats anything edible that happens to float past it.

Pangolin

The pangolin is being crazy.

Pangolin, oy matey!  These animals are happy for know real reason.  I mean look at that pangolin in the picture.  All he’s doing is hanging on to a tree and he has a huge smile on his face like it’s the best moment in his life.

So basically, pangolins are mix between an armadillo and an anteater.  The scales on its back are made out of keratin, the same substance human fingernails are made out of.  The scales are also razor sharp, and when threatened the pangolin will curl up creating a RAZOR BALL!  A razor ball is the perfect weapon.

A pangolin can also spray people or animals the same way a skunk can.  Look out!

Mark Wahlberg

“I’m the guy who does his job.  You must be the other guy.”

Mark Wahlberg is a wild beast that cannot be tamed.

The end.

- jack

Tagged: animals, Features