| JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER |
7/26/08 - It's time to watch...
I stumbled across the synopsis for this movie on the internet back when I was in eighth grade. Once I read
the description, I was sold.
"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is a 2001 cult film from Odessa Filmworks which deals with Jesus'
modern-day struggle to protect the lesbians of Ottawa, Canada, from vampires with the help of
Mexican wrestler El Santos"
Thus began my obsession with this movie. Unfortunately, back in 2002 Netflix did not exist, and Blockbuster
sure as hell didn't carry it. And with my awesome 52k dial up, it would take months for me to torrent it. It was
impossible to find, and any search for it would be in vain. So I played the waiting game for several years. It
was rough for the first few months. I would wake up each morning, dazed and confused, waiting for my brain
to start up, and the first memory to come to me would always be "I still don't have that movie..."
But after a while time went by, and Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter slowly crawled out of my mind.
Then, during my junior year of high school, a friend of mine was browsing some shopping websites when he
discovered something more valuable than any fountain of youth or city of gold. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
had gathered such a huge cult following that it was now available for purchase on the internet. My reaction:
Woohoo! So my friend ordered it, and it was the longest two weeks of my life as we waited for it to arrive in
the mail.
When it finally came, I was ready to explode with excitement. And we stayed up late watching it.
the description, I was sold.
"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is a 2001 cult film from Odessa Filmworks which deals with Jesus'
modern-day struggle to protect the lesbians of Ottawa, Canada, from vampires with the help of
Mexican wrestler El Santos"
Thus began my obsession with this movie. Unfortunately, back in 2002 Netflix did not exist, and Blockbuster
sure as hell didn't carry it. And with my awesome 52k dial up, it would take months for me to torrent it. It was
impossible to find, and any search for it would be in vain. So I played the waiting game for several years. It
was rough for the first few months. I would wake up each morning, dazed and confused, waiting for my brain
to start up, and the first memory to come to me would always be "I still don't have that movie..."
But after a while time went by, and Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter slowly crawled out of my mind.
Then, during my junior year of high school, a friend of mine was browsing some shopping websites when he
discovered something more valuable than any fountain of youth or city of gold. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
had gathered such a huge cult following that it was now available for purchase on the internet. My reaction:
Woohoo! So my friend ordered it, and it was the longest two weeks of my life as we waited for it to arrive in
the mail.
When it finally came, I was ready to explode with excitement. And we stayed up late watching it.
So when you first read the title "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter," you probably wonder how a movie with such a name could be good. Well the truth is, this movie isn't
good at all. It's terrible. The worst movie I have ever seen. And I have witnessed the bouncing of 66-year-old Faye Dunaway's breasts in the atrocious "Cougar Club"
(2007). I have also seen "The Happening." Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is awful, worse than those two movies combined. So of course it developed a cult following.
Let's see what Wikipedia says about cult films.
"The term cult film is used to describe a film that has had little to no success commercially and critically upon its initial release but has later spawned a
small, but devoted and usually obsessive fanbase, however there are various exceptions. This has led to a misconception in Cult classic films that the
definition is a film that 'you either love or hate'. The term was first coined in the early 1980s in the book Cult Movies, by Danny Peary and is continued to be
used to describe the films to this day. Usually, cult films have limited but very special, noted appeal."
An obsessive fanbase? Well, I was obsessed with it before I saw it. Then when I did see it the obsession went away. I suppose this is sort of a reverse-cult film. Cult
films have a very limited appeal? Concerning this movie, no truer words have been spoken.
All right, all right. You are begging for a taste now. Together, we will watch the first twenty minutes (I was originally planning on showing you the entire 85 minutes, but
I just couldn't sit through the whole thing again).
good at all. It's terrible. The worst movie I have ever seen. And I have witnessed the bouncing of 66-year-old Faye Dunaway's breasts in the atrocious "Cougar Club"
(2007). I have also seen "The Happening." Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is awful, worse than those two movies combined. So of course it developed a cult following.
Let's see what Wikipedia says about cult films.
"The term cult film is used to describe a film that has had little to no success commercially and critically upon its initial release but has later spawned a
small, but devoted and usually obsessive fanbase, however there are various exceptions. This has led to a misconception in Cult classic films that the
definition is a film that 'you either love or hate'. The term was first coined in the early 1980s in the book Cult Movies, by Danny Peary and is continued to be
used to describe the films to this day. Usually, cult films have limited but very special, noted appeal."
An obsessive fanbase? Well, I was obsessed with it before I saw it. Then when I did see it the obsession went away. I suppose this is sort of a reverse-cult film. Cult
films have a very limited appeal? Concerning this movie, no truer words have been spoken.
All right, all right. You are begging for a taste now. Together, we will watch the first twenty minutes (I was originally planning on showing you the entire 85 minutes, but
I just couldn't sit through the whole thing again).
It's starts off with some great foreshadowing devices. Jesus Christ is coming soon?
You've got me hooked now! How soon? And where?!?
You've got me hooked now! How soon? And where?!?
Bam! Out of nowhere, this crazy bearded guy pops out of the bushes and rambles
about vampires and lesbians. Should we be scared? He thinks so. I'm just glad
someone else shares my hobby of hiding in bushes and thinking of lesbians.
about vampires and lesbians. Should we be scared? He thinks so. I'm just glad
someone else shares my hobby of hiding in bushes and thinking of lesbians.
Here comes the opening credits!
Phil Caracas plays Jesus better than Jim Caviezel and Willam Dafoe combined.
Why didn't anyone tell me Johnny Vegas is in this?
| After five long minutes of names I don't recognize, the title appears and we start our fantastic adventure. |
Who needs exposition when we can go straight into the action? This lovely lady
is getting attacked in the parking lot!
is getting attacked in the parking lot!
Ah huh. That's a little strange. Maybe this is the vampire's first time sucking blood
and isn't sure what to do...
and isn't sure what to do...
...or maybe the vampire is just a lesbian.
Finally, a little blood! Although I'm not sure where it came from, because the victim
doesn't seem to be bleeding.
doesn't seem to be bleeding.
Not your typical priests. They've "cool-ified" themselves for today's youth I suppose.
Priests on motorcycles? With custom helmets? Clergy whip these things out only
during times of extreme urgency.
during times of extreme urgency.
They find Jesus in the ocean baptizing people.
The writers tried to create an analogy between the sand castle and the state of
society, and they failed miserably.
society, and they failed miserably.
Oh you did not just do that.
Vampire attacks at the beach! Much more interesting than Discovery's Shark Week if
you ask me. Shouldn't the sun be burning the vampire's skin anyway?
you ask me. Shouldn't the sun be burning the vampire's skin anyway?
Prepare to get destroyed, you lesbian vampire.
With a simple blessing the ocean turns into holy water and the vampire suffers a painful death.
Phil Caracas wishes he could have found a better way to pay off his gambling debts.
"You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good." Time to clean
up a little bit. And.....
up a little bit. And.....
...ta dah! I bet you weren't expecting that were you? I guess it's easier to fight lesbian vampires
without any facial hair.
without any facial hair.
Welp, that takes us to the twenty minute mark, the point at which I stopped watching because I didn't want to put my face in a waffle iron. I apologize for not showing you
guys the part where Jesus teams up with the Mexican wrestler.
To clear up a few questions you might have: yes, the whole movie is 4:3. Yes, all of the audio was dubbed in post-production (it sounds like a Sergio Leone spaghetti
western). Yes, Johnny Vegas makes an appearance. And no, the movie does not pick up or get any better. I would not recommend watching this unless you want to see the
worst movie ever (and I've seen Alien Apocalypse on the Sci-Fi network). It's also really offensive.
"The term cult film is used to describe a film that has had little to no success commercially and critically"
guys the part where Jesus teams up with the Mexican wrestler.
To clear up a few questions you might have: yes, the whole movie is 4:3. Yes, all of the audio was dubbed in post-production (it sounds like a Sergio Leone spaghetti
western). Yes, Johnny Vegas makes an appearance. And no, the movie does not pick up or get any better. I would not recommend watching this unless you want to see the
worst movie ever (and I've seen Alien Apocalypse on the Sci-Fi network). It's also really offensive.
"The term cult film is used to describe a film that has had little to no success commercially and critically"
"...a little bit of everything"
