"...a little bit of everything"
Stock Market's crashing? Who cares! 9/25/08
So get this. Today, I was starving. I was probably the hungriest I had ever been...ever. I felt not like an American but an
Irelandican during the potato famine. It was terrible. As soon as I got out of my Psychology of American Teenagers class, which
I didn't pay any attention to because it was really boring, I stumbled my way across campus and into the cafeteria. I literally
punched my way through hundreds of people to get some food. And the punching took a lot of energy that I didn't have, so by
the time I had my tray ready I was exhausted to the bone. There was no time to look for friends to sit with or comfortable chairs
to lounge in. I was about to faint, so I took the very first open chair I saw, collapsed into it, and stuffed my face with the green
mashed peas the lunch lady gave me after I shouted at her to hurry the hell up.
Five minutes later, my hunger was obliterated and I felt miraculous. I was literally smiling, I was so happy, all alone at this
table in a sea of people. It was ambrosial. But this mood was spoiled when I noticed the person sitting here before me had
clumsily left behind their newspaper, and it sat there on the edge of the table staring at me, making faces at me, taunting me.
"Screw you, news!" I said, and I raised my hand to bat it away, but I couldn't bring myself to resort to violence. The
newspaper suddenly seemed so pure, so endearing. My eyes began to water and I cursed myself for having such outrage at
such an innocent thing. I read its headline.
"Stock Market Plunges, Long and Painful Recession."
And then I realized why the newspaper's previous owners conveniently "forgot" it at the table: they didn't give a hoot.
Irelandican during the potato famine. It was terrible. As soon as I got out of my Psychology of American Teenagers class, which
I didn't pay any attention to because it was really boring, I stumbled my way across campus and into the cafeteria. I literally
punched my way through hundreds of people to get some food. And the punching took a lot of energy that I didn't have, so by
the time I had my tray ready I was exhausted to the bone. There was no time to look for friends to sit with or comfortable chairs
to lounge in. I was about to faint, so I took the very first open chair I saw, collapsed into it, and stuffed my face with the green
mashed peas the lunch lady gave me after I shouted at her to hurry the hell up.
Five minutes later, my hunger was obliterated and I felt miraculous. I was literally smiling, I was so happy, all alone at this
table in a sea of people. It was ambrosial. But this mood was spoiled when I noticed the person sitting here before me had
clumsily left behind their newspaper, and it sat there on the edge of the table staring at me, making faces at me, taunting me.
"Screw you, news!" I said, and I raised my hand to bat it away, but I couldn't bring myself to resort to violence. The
newspaper suddenly seemed so pure, so endearing. My eyes began to water and I cursed myself for having such outrage at
such an innocent thing. I read its headline.
"Stock Market Plunges, Long and Painful Recession."
And then I realized why the newspaper's previous owners conveniently "forgot" it at the table: they didn't give a hoot.
Nobody! Seriously, have you actually met anyone freaking out over this and going to the store to stock up on canned goods
and water like it's the Y2k bug striking again? The only people I have even heard mention it are some old people that sat
behind me at a sushi BBQ restaurant. "Oh Lordy, look what's happening to the US!" They talked about the stock market for a
good twenty minutes, and then about the day's crossword puzzle for the next fifty. I was so angry that I didn't tip my waiter.
Here are the facts: No one actually knows how the stock market works. I know I don't understand it at all! Warren Buffett?
He's just been getting lucky all these years. He says "Screw it, let's do it!" and throws darts at a board. The stock market's
crashing? Then why am I still spending three dollars and fifty-three cents on my Crunchwrap Supreme and Cheesy Bean and
Rice Burrito? And what is this "Dow?" The only Dow I know of is Dow Chemical, and they are an evil company responsible for
the deaths and disfigurements of hundreds of thousands of people. If this Dow Chemical is going down hill, why are we giving
them 700 billion dollars? It's a good thing! Let those suckers burn. Even if you do support them, then remember this: Dow's
only lost like one thousand points...they still have ten thousand more!
Secondly, the only people that DO know anything about the stock market look like this:
and water like it's the Y2k bug striking again? The only people I have even heard mention it are some old people that sat
behind me at a sushi BBQ restaurant. "Oh Lordy, look what's happening to the US!" They talked about the stock market for a
good twenty minutes, and then about the day's crossword puzzle for the next fifty. I was so angry that I didn't tip my waiter.
Here are the facts: No one actually knows how the stock market works. I know I don't understand it at all! Warren Buffett?
He's just been getting lucky all these years. He says "Screw it, let's do it!" and throws darts at a board. The stock market's
crashing? Then why am I still spending three dollars and fifty-three cents on my Crunchwrap Supreme and Cheesy Bean and
Rice Burrito? And what is this "Dow?" The only Dow I know of is Dow Chemical, and they are an evil company responsible for
the deaths and disfigurements of hundreds of thousands of people. If this Dow Chemical is going down hill, why are we giving
them 700 billion dollars? It's a good thing! Let those suckers burn. Even if you do support them, then remember this: Dow's
only lost like one thousand points...they still have ten thousand more!
Secondly, the only people that DO know anything about the stock market look like this:
If the Stock Market going down means the fall of these ultra-loser nerds who control America, then so be it! I don't want no
four-eyes telling me to give my money to the Google corporation when I want to give it to the fake vomit maker corporations. It's
a free country, after all.
In conclusion, here in California I'm supposed to be surfing, playing video games, and shopping on Rodeo Drive. When my
leisure is interrupted by long articles with longer numbers babbling about something called stocks, it ruins my day, and I can't
finish my fifteen dollar fro-yo. And to me, a half-empty container of frozen yogurt seems like a waste. Though really, I can never
finish a whole one anyway.
four-eyes telling me to give my money to the Google corporation when I want to give it to the fake vomit maker corporations. It's
a free country, after all.
In conclusion, here in California I'm supposed to be surfing, playing video games, and shopping on Rodeo Drive. When my
leisure is interrupted by long articles with longer numbers babbling about something called stocks, it ruins my day, and I can't
finish my fifteen dollar fro-yo. And to me, a half-empty container of frozen yogurt seems like a waste. Though really, I can never
finish a whole one anyway.